its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
