my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
