If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
