Got a toothbrush?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
