drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
