Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
