I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
