I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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