Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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