My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
