Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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