Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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