Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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