Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
