Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
