I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
