yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
