It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
