Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize