i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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