Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
