the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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