the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
