he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
