Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
