i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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