I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
