mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
