I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
