my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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