As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
