She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my poor anus
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
