when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't deserve a penis
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
