sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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