my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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