Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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