Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
