dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I showed him my bush... on skype.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?