fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...