I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
