you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
