someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
