My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
