Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm passing your future prison.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
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So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
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The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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