A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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