So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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