I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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