Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
