I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
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There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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