I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
