She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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