Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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