somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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