I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
