The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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