I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
