im about as happy as oj after his trial
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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