I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
