Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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