Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
