maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My cat gives me a boner
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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