I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
